Reminiscing About the Past

Last night after getting home at 4:30 in the morning from a party down in Dauphin Island, I had a sort of awakening. I guess you can call it that. Laying in bed, still pretty buzzed from my night of drinking, my mind wandered. I thought about my whole life, who I've been, where I've lived. I reminisced for 3 hours, just laying in my bed.

Not a lot of people know that I struggle with a major case of depression. Everyday, I struggle to stay upbeat, I struggle to remember that I live a great life and I have great people all around me. I regularly visit the psychologist/counselor, and I'm so glad I have services like that to help me deal with my disorder.

Well, I spent a good part of last night curled up in a ball in my bed telling myself that my life is insignificant. I looked at all of the things I've done, all the people I've hurt, all the pain I've caused in peoples lives. My past is not something I like to think about. Correction, my teenage years is not something I like to think about.

My childhood was a typical Mormon childhood. I loved going to church. I loved going to sunday school and learning about Jesus and Joseph Smith because the stories my teachers told were so cool. The games we played and the treats we were given kept me coming back for more. As a child, we believe what our parents tell us. Basic human instinct is to follow in our parents instincts. So I did, I blindly followed my parents, believed what they said, and never questioned anything. Now before I go on, I just want anyone who reads this to know that I love my parents. My dad and my mom are 2 of the greatest people I will ever know. Yes, we might disagree on lifestyle choices, but you know what, I respect the fact that they follow through with what they believe in. They deal with so much harassment and abuse because of what they believe in, and I will always look up to my dad and try to be like him.

Back to my past. When I was about 11 years old, my parents told me that we were leaving our home in Utah to go to Benicia, CA. Still being young, I wasn't to upset about moving. I was excited to be in a new place and I was even more excited to check out my new church. Moving to California, However, taught me a lesson about life. Once I left my little isolated bubble in Utah, I was introduced to the world, and my innocence was taken away. I began to question what I believed in during Middle School. I started reading more and watching the news. Puberty hit and I began to take interest in girls and relationships. I became "popular" at my school, and I started to go to parties. Freshmen year of High School, I kissed a girl for the first time, I drank a beer for the first time, I smoked a joint for the first time.

Freshmen and Sophmore year of High School were the worst 2 years of my life so far. These were the years where I started to feel the effects of depression for the first time. Yet I hid it so well. I played on the soccer team, the basketball team, I had tons of friends, I made good grades, and life at home was easy and laid back. However, I still would get into bed at night hating who I was. Drinking and smoking was a way to escape from me, escape from the fake, hollow shell of who I was. Before this time, I had never even thought about taking my own life. I wanted to live, I wanted to grow up and have a wife and kids. But during these 2 years, I had suicidal thoughts. I hurt myself, punched myself, cut myself, just so I knew that I could control something. Just so i could control the pain. Luckily, a friend noticed, and a counselor at my school took me under his wing and saved me from myself. I will be forever grateful to them for their care and help.

Back to last night, as I was sitting there feeling sorry for myself, I had an awakening. I thought about the past year at school, the friends I've made, the friends from high school I've kept. I thought about the love that is shown all around me. Crazy nights with Dallas, Ethan, and Luke. Pool parties with the Baker gang. Movie nights and Bar nights with my BFFF Brittany Rose. My life is so awesome!!!!!!

Now my religious life has been a roller coaster. I really don't know what I believe right now. I was raised Mormon, spent a few years in a place where religion isn't really a big thing, then came down south and experienced the bible belt. I have seen all extremes of the the debate over religion. And I've come to this conclusion. There is something out there, something bigger than you or me or anyone. I just don't know what that something is. I know that after this life there is more, and I know that the friendships and relationships we make here will follow us to our afterlife. This belief has finally allowed me to feel at peace with this life. Its not a normal religious belief, and I'm probably the only one who believes this way, but I do believe it.

So......

Just felt like pouring my thoughts out. I love having an outlet like this. It makes things so much easier.