My Emptiness

I'm empty right now
For two days I've been with her
For two days I've hinted at how I feel
And for two days she's ignored it all
Its pathetic the way I try
Holding onto feelings that are not shared
Believing that the impossible could happen
That she would see me in a different light
Not the best friend, not the guy she just hangs with
But the guy she could hold hands with
The guy she could talk to late into the night
The guy she could hug and kiss
But I finally have realized
I've finally given up
She will never feel the same and I accept it


My stomach is one giant knot
My thoughts ripping away at my heart
I wish I could be with her
She is the best, she brings out the best in me
Best friends is just not enough

Mahatma Gandhi

"All the religions of the world, while they may differ in other respects, unitedly proclaim that nothing lives in this world but Truth."

"Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well."

"An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind."

"Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances."

"Faith... must be enforced by reason... when faith becomes blind it dies."

"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win."

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."

"If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide."

"Love never claims, it ever gives; love never suffers, never resents, never revenges itself. Where there is love there is life; hatred leads to destruction."




Now this is the one person who I look up to the most. Mahatma Gandhi changed the world. His influence and actions shaped a whole generation of human beings. He preached of courage and standing up for what is right, however, he never condoned violence. Non-violent protest was mastered by Gandhi and people still use his methods today. But the most important message he preached to the world was love. Where there is love there is life. I love that quote.

Gandhi was shot and killed on January 30, 1948. He was walking toward his evening prayer meeting when a Hindu extremist ran up and shot him down. But even after his death, even after the many years, his message is still taught. Never have hatred, never search for revenge. Search for truth, and love every minute of it.

Martin Luther King Jr.

"What is needed is a realization that power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic. Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice, and justice at its best is power correcting everything that stands against love." - Martin Luther King

Such a great man. You may say what you want about the problems in his personal life, but he knew what life is all about. He is one of my personal heroes and I will always see him as an example that I should follow.

Reminiscing About the Past

Last night after getting home at 4:30 in the morning from a party down in Dauphin Island, I had a sort of awakening. I guess you can call it that. Laying in bed, still pretty buzzed from my night of drinking, my mind wandered. I thought about my whole life, who I've been, where I've lived. I reminisced for 3 hours, just laying in my bed.

Not a lot of people know that I struggle with a major case of depression. Everyday, I struggle to stay upbeat, I struggle to remember that I live a great life and I have great people all around me. I regularly visit the psychologist/counselor, and I'm so glad I have services like that to help me deal with my disorder.

Well, I spent a good part of last night curled up in a ball in my bed telling myself that my life is insignificant. I looked at all of the things I've done, all the people I've hurt, all the pain I've caused in peoples lives. My past is not something I like to think about. Correction, my teenage years is not something I like to think about.

My childhood was a typical Mormon childhood. I loved going to church. I loved going to sunday school and learning about Jesus and Joseph Smith because the stories my teachers told were so cool. The games we played and the treats we were given kept me coming back for more. As a child, we believe what our parents tell us. Basic human instinct is to follow in our parents instincts. So I did, I blindly followed my parents, believed what they said, and never questioned anything. Now before I go on, I just want anyone who reads this to know that I love my parents. My dad and my mom are 2 of the greatest people I will ever know. Yes, we might disagree on lifestyle choices, but you know what, I respect the fact that they follow through with what they believe in. They deal with so much harassment and abuse because of what they believe in, and I will always look up to my dad and try to be like him.

Back to my past. When I was about 11 years old, my parents told me that we were leaving our home in Utah to go to Benicia, CA. Still being young, I wasn't to upset about moving. I was excited to be in a new place and I was even more excited to check out my new church. Moving to California, However, taught me a lesson about life. Once I left my little isolated bubble in Utah, I was introduced to the world, and my innocence was taken away. I began to question what I believed in during Middle School. I started reading more and watching the news. Puberty hit and I began to take interest in girls and relationships. I became "popular" at my school, and I started to go to parties. Freshmen year of High School, I kissed a girl for the first time, I drank a beer for the first time, I smoked a joint for the first time.

Freshmen and Sophmore year of High School were the worst 2 years of my life so far. These were the years where I started to feel the effects of depression for the first time. Yet I hid it so well. I played on the soccer team, the basketball team, I had tons of friends, I made good grades, and life at home was easy and laid back. However, I still would get into bed at night hating who I was. Drinking and smoking was a way to escape from me, escape from the fake, hollow shell of who I was. Before this time, I had never even thought about taking my own life. I wanted to live, I wanted to grow up and have a wife and kids. But during these 2 years, I had suicidal thoughts. I hurt myself, punched myself, cut myself, just so I knew that I could control something. Just so i could control the pain. Luckily, a friend noticed, and a counselor at my school took me under his wing and saved me from myself. I will be forever grateful to them for their care and help.

Back to last night, as I was sitting there feeling sorry for myself, I had an awakening. I thought about the past year at school, the friends I've made, the friends from high school I've kept. I thought about the love that is shown all around me. Crazy nights with Dallas, Ethan, and Luke. Pool parties with the Baker gang. Movie nights and Bar nights with my BFFF Brittany Rose. My life is so awesome!!!!!!

Now my religious life has been a roller coaster. I really don't know what I believe right now. I was raised Mormon, spent a few years in a place where religion isn't really a big thing, then came down south and experienced the bible belt. I have seen all extremes of the the debate over religion. And I've come to this conclusion. There is something out there, something bigger than you or me or anyone. I just don't know what that something is. I know that after this life there is more, and I know that the friendships and relationships we make here will follow us to our afterlife. This belief has finally allowed me to feel at peace with this life. Its not a normal religious belief, and I'm probably the only one who believes this way, but I do believe it.

So......

Just felt like pouring my thoughts out. I love having an outlet like this. It makes things so much easier.

I Have No Idea What to Do

She has no idea

She has no clue

Daily conversations, laughs and good times

We are best friends

But that phrase, "Best Friends", holds me back

It ties me down, forcing me to stay where I am

The "friend" she can rely on, the "friend" who she loves

But what do I do when my feelings grow?

How do I act when I want more than just a hug, when I want more than "Best Friends"?

It would be me who falls for his Best Friend

It would be me who complicates a perfect situation

But my feelings are true, and no matter how much I try, I cannot hide them

So in my mind I struggle to make a decision

Do I tell her how I feel and risk ruining the friendship we have?

Or do I keep it hidden and keep my Best Friend?

One thing I do know, I need this girl in my life

She brings out the best in me, and I hope I do the same for her

Lets just say I miss the shit out of her.

Life and Friends

Life is trials.  Life is stress.  Life is trying and failing.  Most of our lives is pain and anguish.  Some may ask what is the point, why do we struggle so hard just to endure more grief.  We endure for the brief moments of happiness.  We endure for the tenderness of a mother’s hug, the companionship of our best friends, the power of a first kiss.  We put ourselves through the hardest of tasks, just so that we can work for our moments of happiness.  No matter how hard it is, we all will try to achieve this happiness.  And I know what this happiness is.  It is love.  Love is what makes our lives so special.  Its not what we own or how “cool” we are.  It’s the people and the love that they give you.  I would give anything to my friends, be it a small thing like a dollar or a ride to school, or a large thing, as large as my own life.  I would risk it all for my friends… and why?  Because I love them.  I care about them so much and I would be absolutely nothing without them.  They have made me realize who I am and what I should be.  My friends have gotten me into trouble, kept me out of trouble, but no matter what the problems or consequences, my friends have been there to lend me a hand, give me a hug, cry with me, laugh with me... they have been there to love me, and I will be there to love them back.